public service announcement

DO NOT TELL THE TRUTH! I REPEAT...DO NOT TELL THE TRUTH! to your therapist and/or psychiatrist. DO NOT LET THEM SEE THE REAL YOU...not even for a split second. i can not stress enough the importance of these two things.

i realize that if you are reading my blog it is likely that you are at the very least half as looney as the author. So in the spirit of social responsibility I thought it my duty to share with you some of my mistakes along the road to psychoanalytical success and the attainment of the golden thearaputic prize....the prescription.


telling your psych/therapist that you want to plunge an icepick into their eye is not a good idea. no, they will do not understand you are just trying to get a point across and didn't even bring your icepick to the session. (note to self...pack icepick for therapy today)

should your phone ring during a therapy session DO NOT answer it and scream into the receiver...DIE MOTHERF*&R! DIE!

when asked about any fantasies you may be having lately(psychs are the biggest pervs) DO NOT be honest and tell them every night last week was spent in the Village stalking Ethan Hawk in the hopes of kidnapping him and chaining him to your wall where you would have your way with him for the next 3 months. docs just don't understand these things.

when asked if you have taken their advice about doing something relaxing before bed...say "yes" ..when they ask what you did..say "Knitting"..DO NOT let them know the murder scene in your favorite movie soothes you to sleep.

speaking about movies...DO NOT..tell them you can identify with the main charater in American Psycho! (that is a real important one.)

when asked what your thinking about right at the moment....(they ask this everytime they realize you have stopped listening) do not tell them your thoughts are alternating between imagining them spontaneously bursting into flames and fucking Brad Pitt and Robert Redford at the same time next to a cozy fire.

do not tell them you would rather shove hot burning coals in your open eyes than listen to their mindless babbling for another second. this will get you a "suicidal tendencies" notation in your chart..

in a nutshell...LIE YOUR ASS OFF. Do not make the fatal mistake i made in being open and honest. honesty has no place in psychoanalysis.

the sole duty of your psych is to push your buttons or more crassly put...piss you off. do not at any time make them aware that they are gaining ground.

do not be lulled into a false sense of security. they are tricky bastards. the whole soft speaking voice, understanding smile and look of genuine interest has been fine tuned over many years of training. it is all a mask. it is how they trap you. not looking at them helps. every time you feel like glancing over at them...think medusa.

i hope this might have helped some of you. as i learn more i will share more..for right now i am running late for a session and still have to pack my icepick..wish me luck.

got milk?

"Don't cry over spilt milk" said the psychoanalyst to Zooey. "What does this cliche mean to you?"

"Are you for real? Are you for fucking real?!! Look, doc, let's get out the scrip pad and start scribbling, shall we?"

"Zooey, i am trying to get a sense of where you are right now. Can you please tell me what the phrase means to you?"

"mmmmmmm, i don't know...maybe that i am stuck in chocolate chip cookie hell and someone has killed all the damn cows! NOW GIVE ME SOME MEDS!!!!!"

"Zooey, I sense anger here. Are you angry today?"

"Angry?....me?..not at all. Are we getting any closer to the part where you write me a prescription? because i have to be honest with you doc, 5 more minutes of your bullshit, and i plunge an icepick through your eye...not that i am in a "angry place" or anything."

And so it came to pass that I was immediatley given a scrip for a anti-psychotic agent. Not that i am psychotic or anything. No, I do not hear voices that tell me to kill the nice psychoanalyst man.(by the way, did i mention that the reindeer ball biting woman does it because Santa Claus tells her to?....and i am on medication...go figure) I do not wish to hurt myself or other people. i am not a looney tune. (although at times i can identify with bugs bunny)

I have GAD. Generalized Anxiety disorder. which basically means that i have anxiety ALLLLLL the time. Everyday, all day. while most people feel some stress now and then, like when they are stuck in traffic, or the train is late, or their neighbor's dog shits on their lawn...incidents such as these cause me to pull my hair out. simple stressors are equivalent to nuclear meltdown for me.

It means don't call me, i will call you because the sound of the phone ringing incessantly makes me want to ram the fucking thing down your throat.

It means put your dog on a damn leash because i have more important things to worry about than his shit on my lawn, like whether those anxiety induced palpiatations are really a fatal heart attack approaching.

it means i do not give a flying shit how your day is going, i am too busy worrying about nothing to care.

it means stop asking me what you can do to help me because if i knew i would hold a gun to your head until you did it.

it means i know not to cry over spilt milk, but i am afraid of sight of the carton. i would not attempt to even take it out of the fridge.

it means i am scared and lonely all the time right now. does this make me psycho?

reindeer balls

just when i thought i had heard it all....just when i thought i knew every last wacko ass thing there was to know about the swissmister and his family, i hear this.........

his ex-wife.....are you ready for this one?.....he tells me his his ex-wife BIT THE BALLS OFF A REINDEER! this seemed so unfuckingbelievable that i verified the information with a third party. swissmister's good friend, who knows them both, confirmed that the reindeer ball biting incident did infact occur.

WHO DOES SHIT LIKE THIS??!!!!!!!!!

apparently all the women in finland do. is this equivalent to our Ladies Night? half price reindeer balls until 11pm for all women this friday ?.....do these loony ass chicks call their best friend on the weekend?...."hey, girl, what's up? want to go pick up some reindeer tonight?"...."you read my mind girlfriend! it has been ages since i bit off some fine reindeer balls!..pick you up at 8."...WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i like to think of myself as an open minded individual who is accepting of other cultures and their traditions but biting the balls off of Rudolph is just too damn much for even me to take. i mean...who the hell are these freakazoids and how in the fuck did i come to know one of them? what am i...fly paper for freaks??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't!! i just freakin can't!!!! i have to go pop a xanax.

So many men so little time

YEAH, RIGHT! I WISH! (unless you want to count the fat fuck pig who owns my favorite restaurant and who is constantly asking me to masturabte for him. as if that would EVER happen. in that case i might entitle the post...so much of the man so little slim fast!)

Does it ever happen to any of you, that you find yourself sitting at your computer, fingers poised above the keyboard, ready to strike out a new creative, witty post and absolutely nothing, nada, zippo happens? This is happening to me right now.

it can't be possible that I have nothing to share. Where have all my stories gone? (Perhaps the same place my brain cells went by the time i finished drinking that bottle of wine today.) i guess i could tell you that right now my head is splitting because my son's hamster, Bitty, is creating a racket trying to make his escape from the big house. How does something so small make so much noise? I swear the little vermon is evil. It is some miniature Russian striped hamster thingy. i am almost certain that Bitty is Stalin reincarnated and has somehow mistaken my german ass for Hitler. But enough of that..I don't want to bore you with tales from the satanic hamster.

i could write about my dad's new conspiracy theory, that being, his brother is trying to murder him by poisoning his coffee. Like he says, he just knew Chris was up to no good when he brought him coffee in the morning. Why else would your brother bring you coffee first thing in the morning when he knows you are stuck in bed with the flu? It has to be for one reason only, to poison you! throwing up 5 hours after said cup of coffee was ingested had nothing to do with the flu.....no sireeee, that was the poison taking effect. And the seemingly kind folks down at the coffee shop who prepared the cup of java to go?....in on it!!...( of course they were Dad, now open wide and swallow these pretty pink pills the doctor prescribed). anyhooo, you don't want to hear about this crazy crap...hell, i wish i hadn't heard it myself.

hmmmmm, what to say.......what to say......oh! paisley and i went to the mall. Well, we tried to go to the mall. We had just gotten over the bridge when she points towards the shoulder of the highway and screams....KANGAROOOOOOO!!!!! I scream....OH SHIT!!WHEREEEE???!!!!..........OVER THERE...OH MY GOD A KANGAROOO....now i get a good look......THAT is NOT a KANGAROOO you idiot......can't be...we don't have Kangaroos in New York City...even if by chance one somehow managed to hop on over i doubt it would hang out on the shoulder of the damn road....but she insisted it was a Kangaroo. so we have to pull over, call animal control, the police and every other emergency service unit she could think of. then we have to back track 15 minutes to get to the Kangaroo and keep an eye on it until the first govt agency arrived.

KANGAROO MY ASS. More like big dog in awkward position!!!!! by the time we called back all the emergency service units, police, ASPCA, the Bronx Zoo and the White House to inform them of our little snafu, it was too late to go to the mall. So I really have nothing to say about the mall trip that never was.

So what the hell do i write about?!!!!!!

i think I will change into a wife beater, have a drink, kick the hamster and read the paper. maybe something to write about will come to me.......

Ban Update

OK folks new countries added to the list!

St. Lucia and the entire Eastern Carribean
North Korea! According to miltbogs they demanded it! lol
Singapore
Iceland
Phillipines
Beliz
Tonga
Canada
France
Greece

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!!!!!!

THE MOON! THAT'S RIGHT ISABITCH, FILIUSBLOGGERI HAS BANNED YOU FROM THE MOON.
It is better than I expected. I was just gunning for a world wide ban, in my wildest dreams I never expected it to spread throughout the solar system!!

that will sooo teach rogue psycho accountants to ban me from a country!

And the Ban grows

Big thanks to CYLI who has added 3 countries to the Isabitch ban!

New Zealand, Siberia and the Czech Republic.

Switzerland....you can keep it

BUT THE REST OF THE WORLD WILL BE MINE, MINE, MINE!

A great big THANKS to Singleguy who has added Ireland and Australia to the list of countries Isabitch has been banned from.

To recap the official Isabitch Ban list is as follows:

United States, territories and all possesions
Italy
Germany
Britain
Egypt
Australia
Ireland

Where do you live? Add your country to the Isabitch Ban list! Help me save your neck of the woods from the likes of psycho accountants.

P.S. you don't actually have to live in the country you would like to ban her from. simply having a family member or friend in the country gives you the right to authorize a ban.

TOGETHER WE CAN SAVE THE WORLD!

It's official! I am banned from an ENTIRE COUNTRY!

Initially I was in shock.

"Put HER on the phone right now!" she said to him.

Hesitantly I took the receiver...cringing, wincing, dreading the encounter.

"He is not to visit Switzerland for one year. YOU ARE NEVER EVER TO VISIT AGAIN! Do you understand me?!!!!"

"Yeah, gotcha. ummm, one question...can you really tell me not to visit an entire country?. While i understand your a bit miffed right now...what, with me stealing your boyfriend and all...i feel your being a tad rash? I can understand you not wanting me having dinner with him at your favorite restaurant. I am all for agreeing not to hang out with your friends...and hell, it isn't like I am going to call your parents and invite them to brunch or anything. I feel there is room for negotiation here...don't you?"

Being banned from a country by an accountant tends to piss me off. Prime Ministers..ok..accountants..NOT ok.

i felt like saying "Tell you what sweet cheeks, why don't you take your bean counting ass (no offense to any accountants reading. I respect you as long as you don't ban me from whatever nation you reside in.) to the senate...let's have a full blown vote on the Zooey ban."

Perhaps I should do a little banning of my own!

ISABITCH I hereby ban you from the United States, it's territories and all possesions! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!How do you like them apples?! While I am at it...I have family in Germany, Britian and Italy. ut oh....I feel another Isabitch ban coming on! I also have friends in Egypt....i betcha you always wanted to visit right? Who doesn't?! All those pyramids, archeological wonders...SPHINXS!!!!! What is that i am getting a vibe on.....YOU GOT IT...BANNED!!!!!!!